Age of Independence

I think one of the scariest things about being a parent is when the time comes to allow more independence - when they grow and become a little less needy of you. 

"Mum, can I stay out on my own and play football for a bit," Alfie asked me when we were heading back to the van from a day out last week. It took me by surprise really as he's never shied away from being by my side when we're out and about. I grappled with it initially and started overthinking everything in my head, then tried to reason with myself that he's old enough to understand stranger danger, the van site is a very, very safe place and people watch out for each other, and at some point I'd have to loosen the reins somewhat. 

So, I told him yes and headed back to the van on my own, heart racier than normal and just about every negative thought flying through my head. He's sensible, I told myself, he will come to me if he gets in any trouble. 

I needn't have worried, he had a great time and got back to the van safe and sound, but that's our job as parents isn't it ... to worry for them, that worry is what keeps them safe. 

What does/will that independence look like for you?

The age children are allowed to go out alone or with friends, to walk to the corner shop or to the park, varies massively. I know some people who have allowed it at 6 or 7, whilst others have waited until their child starts secondary school. 

For Alfie, for us, I think it's important he gains that independence for himself to become streetwise and also for me and Michael, to build up that trust in him which will allow him to do more. By building up trust I mean him sticking to the time we tell him he needs to be back, being honest about where he's going and who he's with. It'll start small, like playing football at the van with friends, and build up the time and freedom as he gets older, becomes more aware. 

My worry if we don't choose to give Alfie that freedom and flexibility to do his own thing and make his own mistakes is that he will do exactly what I did as a child/teen and rebel. The way I see it, having lived it, and I'm sure you have to, is that he's going to do it anyway! It's a part of human nature to take risks, to test boundaries, to live through experiences and learn from them. He's going to do it with or without our say so, so we'd rather have that open dialogue and him be able to tell us. E.g. if he decides to have a drink at a party at 16, I'd rather him be able to be honest about that with us so we know where he is, who he's with, and can pick him up when he's ready to come home so we know for certain he's safe. 

I know from speaking to other people about this that this isn't the way everyone thinks, but that's the beauty of humanity isn't it, how boring would life be if we were all the same?!