What finally broke me, was what had made me..... Part 3

That "something" would eventually become the factory we'd set up shop in just a couple of years before. Another feat that would not come easy - losing almost £18,000 in the process of waiting for the owners to resign it to somebody else. 

Then it came ... 

Hardly out of the blue, I think it was to be expected, but it hit me at a time I wasn't ready for it. 

I had a breakdown. 

The reality of the last few years hit me like a freight train. 

The reality of what and who I'd lost along the way. The reality of the time I'd missed with Alfie despite setting the business up to have *more* time with him. The reality of the long hours, constant stress. The reality that I had used every single penny of our savings to pay wages, supplier bills just to keep everyone in their jobs, and not a penny for me. The reality of how I'm only human and was expecting super human things of myself. 

I couldn't go on. 

I have always been an open book when it comes to my mental health, as I think it's important to share the nitty gritty alongside the good, and it was no secret that I was struggling. 

I battled with my demons daily and come to learn after medication and with weekly therapy sessions, as well as after talking to the people who stood by me throughout and never lost sight of why I did things the way I did, that I simply had to change how things were working to make it work. 

I had to reduce my hours. I had to give Alfie back that time I promised both him and myself. I had to give my behind the scenes life more effort, and my mental health more grace. 

I knew what I needed to do but putting it into action was a different thing entirely. I had to decide, in a moment, to work to live... instead of living to work. 

It has been a process but over the last year especially I have done just that - priorities changed, our hours at the shop reduced, production lessened, our range made smaller. The profit margins are less and the figures in bank accounts not as high... but we are happier. I am happier. I am calmer. I'm working on me, working on motherhood, working on my family, and the business is now merely a way to get by.

And that's okay.