Where do I fit in now....

I know you reach milestones in life where you become acutely aware of people no longer being a part of your life - getting married, having a baby, changing careers ... the usual. Some friends are for seasons not a lifetime and that's absolutely fine, not everyone is meant to be there forever. What I never expected was to get to 50 and for it to still be happening in some degree. 

I've always been a social butterfly, recharging in my own company but enjoying socialising and being around other people. I always made it a point to host. I loved the planning, buying in all the wine, beer and spirits to make sure people had a good time, the music, the games... the evenings outside in the garden under a setting sun, dancing and talking into the night with a drink in hand and fairy lights giving that all important back ground glow for cute pictures and so we can just about make out faces in conversation.

It was something I thought I'd never get tired of or grow out of; almost weekly gatherings were a given. 

Then I stopped drinking alcohol, and not too long after I did and seeing the benefits, Michael followed suit. Almost immediately, the gatherings stopped. The invitations dwindled, but the parties and events didn't stop for others around us. 

A part of me knows this is obviously because the majority of the time we were the hosts and since we both decided to stop drinking, we didn't fancy hosting drinking parties for others in our home (which is understandable, I think?), spending hundreds of pounds for alcohol we no longer indulged in. The temptation was never really a factor, on the day I decided to stop I decided to STOP, and social pressure wasn't going to be enough to make me pick up a glass. It just didn't feel... right? 

Another part of me knows that some relationships formed in life are done so round circumstance. It's almost as though you can group people - some are mum friends who we'd never sit and have a drink with; some are drinking friends who we never experience a day out together, children in tow, with; some are seasonal friends who we may have only seen at a get together at Christmas, and that's okay! The sad reality is that when circumstances change, those friendships do too. It isn't necessarily anyone's fault... common interests change. 

So I ask myself sometimes, where do I fit in now? 

A full time working mum, home educating mum, wife, business owner, dog mum ... where's my community? Where's my circle? 

I don't quite fit into the home ed world I feel, as both Michael and I work long days most days and in the small pockets of communities I've found there's often a parent at home. I don't fit into the working mum world because 9 times out of 10 now I have a child with me. Dog mum me isn't one that's committed to 6am meet ups in the park for a walk with the pooches. Wife me thinks my husband is enough to work around without finding other couples to work around too (haha!)

And I've come to learn, rather than having one big circle of friends as I used to, I now have a smaller circle of friends scattered across the globe who I may not see every weekend, or often at all, and who I may not speak to every day but I know they'd be there at the drop of a hat if I needed them. I "fit" into my own circle, with my beautiful (albeit crazy) little family at home. I "fit" into my little work circle with my girls (and dad) who I see most days and who I have a chit chat with, talking about the day to day stuff, bonding over good food and lots of laughs. I "fit" into my own world where I'm needed every day. 

I guess I just fit where I'm supposed to fit? On a personal level I think I struggle with this sometimes. But I know as I grow older and the seasons continue changing that where I belong will probably change again, and for now I'm all good with where I am and the people I have.